Vulnerable
by on April 18, 2017 in poetry

I will speak in riddles
Cloak my statements in metaphors
Play scholarly wordsmith
Sensitive poet
Eloquent artist
Consummate professional
With all of my words so beautiful and deliberate
and neatly contained

Because it’s easier to see my heart like a scarlet letter
Wrapped in myself as a wounded character
Than to hand it over to you, pure, hopeful, and radiant

Because that’s so much better
Than to be raw and honest
And just straight up tell you
how I feel

I am so goddamn afraid that you will know
That I like you
That I have feelings
That I have feelings for you
That I think of you in “that way”
Or even that I think of you at all
I’d rather keep myself tucked away against the wall

Now I could play this one cheeky
And keep this so non specific
I could play this all Carly Simon like
And keep you wondering if this poem is about you
But that would be cheating
After all I’m still defeating
The purpose
Which is to be vulnerable
Which is to lay my heart open for someone to see
To hear
To touch
To hold
To throw
To recoil
To rebuff
To reject

You can see why this doesn’t seem all that appealing
To be the one doing all the revealing

But maybe it’s better than how I feel now
My heart turned inside itself, muffled and muted
My feelings hidden like a shameful secret
I skulk around you and everyone you know as if I have something to hide
As if there is something wrong and bad inside

I feel like a thief trying to slip out the back door undetected
Afraid you will catch me with the ball of emotions tucked underneath my shirt
I look into your eyes and I can barely hold your gaze
Afraid I will give away what I am hiding
Afraid you can see right into me and into all of my secrets

The part of me that just wants to find its confessor cries out to be heard
The part of me that is afraid just wants me to shut up
The part of me that loves is so ashamed
That part of me that goes unnamed

I open my mouth to speak
But I’m at a loss for what to say
I want to push myself over this wall
Because I know deep down
It’s not really love
Until you send your heart into free fall

copyright 2015, Siobahn Hotaling / Site designed by Boing Media, LLC